Jesus' Commandment of Love

today's gospel is about the commandment of love. love God above all things. love your neighbor as you love yourself. what if you don't love yourself? what happens now?

let me repeat to myself, what Eve said in Only Lovers Left Alive

"How can you have lived for so long and still not get it?
This self-obsession is a waste of living.
It could be spent on surviving things, appreciating nature,
nurturing kindness and friendship, and dancing!” 

an excuse letter

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Dear Sir,

Please excuse me for being absent in our Saturday class (or today as you are reading it now). My family and I will be going to La Union early tomorrow morning as my paternal lolo is... dying. There is an ellipsis before the last word because I don’t know if that is the proper term. For 2 weeks now, he has been in the hospital. Weeks before that, he couldn’t pee and that caused his lower body to bloat, and parts of his skin to split. Still he did not want to be hospitalized because few weeks before that, too, he had just been admitted thereto and released therefrom. However, one day, my tita noticed his condition had worsen, and told him that she’ll bring him to the health center (to which he finally agreed) but had already secretly arranged for him to be admitted in the hospital which was still two or three towns away. Once there, he was cauterized (this might not be the word) and the fluids he released were almost three gallons. He had undergone dialysis, and was given antibiotics. Eventually, his legs shrunk. However, a day or two after that, he had diarrhea, and soon was excreting blood. His saliva also had blood. Endoscopy was made and it was discovered that he has ulcer. The internal wounds were cauterized, and he was forbidden to eat and drink, and was under observation. If he was to bleed again, the doctors will perform an operation on him. During such time, he became restless and might be a bit out of his mind, saying that he wanted to go home because he was not being fed not even being given a drink in such place. Sometimes he became violent and wild, especially at the time when my father asked for his leave to go home to Laguna, and that he’ll be back few days after. The following day, lolo again bled. Thus, he underwent operation. Fortunately, he survived it and the next critical 48 hours of recovery. 48 hours covered his 83^rd birthday last Friday, October 10. Papa and Mama were already on their way to La Union, that Friday night. When they arrived in the hospital, my tita and tito told them that lolo had a cardiac arrest while he was undergoing dialysis just the night before. From then on and up to this day, he is in comatose at the ICU. He opens his eyes, stares at the ceiling, and moves his fingers, and everyone was hopeful although no one could talk to him anymore. That weekend, the doctors checked on him, a flashlight was directed on his eyes but they said there was no response. The brain suffered critical damage from the cardiac arrest, and that the sporadic opening of the eyelids and movement of the fingers were just involuntary. In short, what they were telling the family was that lolo is practically gone. Their advice was for the siblings to decide whether to be aggressive with the treatment which will lead to puncturing a hole on lolo’s throat that would likely cause pneumonia or let lolo be considering his age.

Just two weeks ago, I got a piece of wisdom from my boyfriend. He said that he believes that although God planned and knows everything, many of what happens in the world is the cause of our own will. God never and will never be the creator of a bad thing. Yet, since he created and planned us all, he already knew at the moment of our creation that the specific set of personality and physical attributes that we have will cause sin and we will make bad things because that is part of our own will. The consequences or reaction from the chain of actions and reactions can of course be changed by God. Such change is that which we know as divine intervention. Yet, divine intervention is rare. This piece of wisdom disturbed me. I’ve always believed that everything that has happened in my life is God’s will. The problems I had were given by Him to correct, strengthen, or guide me to His plan. If what has happened and what happens in my life are all my doing, and God only chooses at what rare moment to intervene, then that means that there are times when he doesn’t care about me, that no matter how much anyone prays, sometimes God doesn’t listen. It made me sad. After thinking about it some more, I understood and accepted it. We are at the mercy of God.

Papa and Mama went home last Sunday, and we were able to talk about lolo’s situation last Monday night when I got home from school. That day, my class was Civil Law Review II. I was overwhelmed with happiness when I topped the quiz that day in class as it was also the first time I had a passing score from all of the quizzes we had in said class. It was a miracle. It may just well be divine intervention. Then, at dinner, I finally had a somewhat clear picture of what was happening in La Union. To me, the implication of what the doctors had said is that it is as if lolo had already gone that time after he had a cardiac arrest. It seems that he went on just right after his birthday had ended. Thus, we planned to go home today or Friday, and stay in La Union until Thursday, and in between such days would be the wake and the funeral. It was numbing to think of the wake and funeral of someone whose condition I don’t exactly know where to place, at that time that we were talking about such. During the days that followed, I was in a state of delaying my grief until the day I am already in La Union, but at the same time, it was a state of making myself accept the situation and start letting go of lolo. Yet, then came Wednesday. I prepared the clothes I’ll be bringing to La Union. I was more careful in picking and planning what to bring not just for the reason of saving space but also because of the consciousness of the wake and the funeral that loom ahead. I was reminded of my lola’s wake and funeral five years ago. Mama bought a number of white shirts and blouses. I went to my 3-7PM class, and my mind would alternately focus on the discussion and drift off to what might be happening at that time in La Union. Is lolo already, officially gone? Lolo is probably already gone, and they were arranging matters for what’s next. After class, Papa sent me a message that the ventilator was removed 9AM and since then, lolo is okay.

“Okay” is indeed a big word. It made me glad, and then, confused, and then, both glad and confused. Just then, a good friend of mine asked me if I will be available on October 25. It made me feel bad to reply that I probably won’t be because I have an oral exam the following day, because I had not attended our recent get-togethers and I am again turning down an invitation. Then, she told me that a close friend of ours is getting married that day! I was of course very much surprised and happy! Turns out our friend broke the news last month online in a private message to us in a social network that I no longer log in to. I never thought that a person can feel opposite emotions at the same time, which do not cancel each other out but just sit side by side like two pigeons on a wire. Life is just... as it is - wonderful.

My apologies, Sir. I’ve wandered quite far. I forgot I was writing to you. I am actually writing this today, Wednesday, but post dated this letter to Thursday for reasons I don’t know or I’ve probably forgotten. We both know that just a little over a month, you also lost your older brother. You extensively talked to us about him, and your preparations, and the funeral. I knew it was sad for you, as I know how it feels to have a loveone die. Yet, it is only now that I understood how it feels like to know that someone is dying or going to die very soon and you wait, and prepare for that thing which you partly wish not to happen because you still sometimes hope, and partly wish to happen because you understand that it is how it is supposed to be, and so that you’d both be freed.

That last sentence in the preceding paragraph was what I actually want to tell you, sir. The request “please excuse me” is just how I thought of putting it as that is the customary way when a student is to absent himself from class. It goes the same for the next line.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

Sincerely,

150-peso dinner challenge

last sunday, charlton and i challenged ourselves to have a 150-peso limit for our dinner. partly because we were broke [but the hole in my pocket is bigger, i am sure (oh my, the words 'but' and 'hole' are separated by just one word)] and partly for the fun of it.

we got PotDog's fried siomai meal with medium red iced tea for 70PHP, one stick of crab eggs for 40PHP, two pancit canton (kalamansi, and sweet-spicy flavor) with four pandesals for 36PHP. all in all, our bill was 156 PHP!!! yehey! our tummies and hearts are full.

you had me at "special nerd in your life"

> _ <

the harry potter book ring box is cute but heartbreaking

engagement rings for nerds <3