Thursday, October 16, 2014
Dear Sir,
Please excuse me for being absent in our Saturday class (or
today as you are reading it now). My family and I will be going to La Union
early tomorrow morning as my paternal lolo is... dying. There is an ellipsis
before the last word because I don’t know if that is the proper term. For 2
weeks now, he has been in the hospital. Weeks before that, he couldn’t pee and
that caused his lower body to bloat, and parts of his skin to
split. Still he did not want to be hospitalized because few weeks before that,
too, he had just been admitted thereto and released therefrom. However, one
day, my tita noticed his condition had worsen, and told him that she’ll bring
him to the health center (to which he finally agreed) but had already secretly
arranged for him to be admitted in the hospital which was still two or three
towns away. Once there, he was cauterized (this might not be the word) and the
fluids he released were almost three gallons. He had undergone dialysis, and
was given antibiotics. Eventually, his legs shrunk. However, a day or two after
that, he had diarrhea, and soon was excreting blood. His saliva also had blood.
Endoscopy was made and it was discovered that he has ulcer. The internal wounds
were cauterized, and he was forbidden to eat and drink, and was under
observation. If he was to bleed again, the doctors will perform an operation on
him. During such time, he became restless and might be a bit out of his mind,
saying that he wanted to go home because he was not being fed not even being
given a drink in such place. Sometimes he became violent and wild, especially
at the time when my father asked for his leave to go home to Laguna, and that
he’ll be back few days after. The following day, lolo again bled. Thus, he
underwent operation. Fortunately, he survived it and the next critical 48 hours
of recovery. 48 hours covered his 83rd birthday last Friday, October
10. Papa and Mama were already on their way to La Union, that Friday night.
When they arrived in the hospital, my tita and tito told them that lolo had a
cardiac arrest while he was undergoing dialysis just the night before. From
then on and up to this day, he is in comatose at the ICU. He opens his eyes,
stares at the ceiling, and moves his fingers, and everyone was hopeful although
no one could talk to him anymore. That weekend, the doctors checked on him, a
flashlight was directed on his eyes but they said there was no response. The
brain suffered critical damage from the cardiac arrest, and that the sporadic
opening of the eyelids and movement of the fingers were just involuntary. In
short, what they were telling the family was that lolo is practically gone.
Their advice was for the siblings to decide whether to be aggressive with the
treatment which will lead to puncturing a hole on lolo’s throat that would
likely cause pneumonia or let lolo be considering his age.
Just two weeks ago, I got a piece of wisdom from my
boyfriend. He said that he believes that although God planned and knows
everything, many of what happens in the world is the cause of our own will. God
never and will never be the creator of a bad thing. Yet, since he created and
planned us all, he already knew at the moment of our creation that the specific
set of personality and physical attributes that we have will cause sin and we
will make bad things because that is part of our own will. The consequences or
reaction from the chain of actions and reactions can of course be changed by
God. Such change is that which we know as divine intervention. Yet, divine
intervention is rare. This piece of wisdom disturbed me. I’ve always believed
that everything that has happened in my life is God’s will. The problems I had
were given by Him to correct, strengthen, or guide me to His plan. If what has
happened and what happens in my life are all my doing, and God only chooses at
what rare moment to intervene, then that means that there are times when he
doesn’t care about me, that no matter how much anyone prays, sometimes God
doesn’t listen. It made me sad. After thinking about it some more, I understood
and accepted it. We are at the mercy of God.
Papa and Mama went home last Sunday, and we were able to
talk about lolo’s situation last Monday night when I got home from school. That
day, my class was Civil Law Review II. I was overwhelmed with happiness when I
topped the quiz that day in class as it was also the first time I had a passing
score from all of the quizzes we had in said class. It was a miracle. It may
just well be divine intervention. Then, at dinner, I finally had a somewhat
clear picture of what was happening in La Union. To me, the implication of what
the doctors had said is that it is as if lolo had already gone that time after
he had a cardiac arrest. It seems that he went on just right after his birthday
had ended. Thus, we planned to go home today or Friday, and stay in La Union
until Thursday, and in between such days would be the wake and the funeral. It
was numbing to think of the wake and funeral of someone whose condition I don’t
exactly know where to place, at that time that we were talking about such.
During the days that followed, I was in a state of delaying my grief until the
day I am already in La Union, but at the same time, it was a state of making
myself accept the situation and start letting go of lolo. Yet, then came
Wednesday. I prepared the clothes I’ll be bringing to La Union. I was more
careful in picking and planning what to bring not just for the reason of saving
space but also because of the consciousness of the wake and the funeral that
loom ahead. I was reminded of my lola’s wake and funeral five years ago. Mama
bought a number of white shirts and blouses. I went to my 3-7PM class, and my
mind would alternately focus on the discussion and drift off to what might be
happening at that time in La Union. Is lolo already, officially gone? Lolo is
probably already gone, and they were arranging matters for what’s next. After
class, Papa sent me a message that the ventilator was removed 9AM and since
then, lolo is okay.
“Okay” is indeed a big word. It made me glad, and then,
confused, and then, both glad and confused. Just then, a good friend of mine
asked me if I will be available on October 25. It made me feel bad to reply
that I probably won’t be because I have an oral exam the following day, because
I had not attended our recent get-togethers and I am again turning down an
invitation. Then, she told me that a close friend of ours is getting married
that day! I was of course very much surprised and happy! Turns out our friend
broke the news last month online in a private message to us in a social network
that I no longer log in to. I never thought that a person can feel opposite
emotions at the same time, which do not cancel each other out but just sit side
by side like two pigeons on a wire. Life is just... as it is - wonderful.
My apologies, Sir. I’ve wandered quite far. I forgot I was
writing to you. I am actually writing this today, Wednesday, but post dated
this letter to Thursday for reasons I don’t know or I’ve probably forgotten. We
both know that just a little over a month, you also lost your older brother.
You extensively talked to us about him, and your preparations, and the funeral.
I knew it was sad for you, as I know how it feels to have a loveone die. Yet,
it is only now that I understood how it feels like to know that someone is
dying or going to die very soon and you wait, and prepare for that thing which
you partly wish not to happen because you still sometimes hope, and partly wish
to happen because you understand that it is how it is supposed to be, and so
that you’d both be freed.
That last sentence in the preceding paragraph was what I
actually want to tell you, sir. The request “please excuse me” is just how I
thought of putting it as that is the customary way when a student is to absent
himself from class. It goes the same for the next line.
Thank you for your kind consideration.
Sincerely,
